


Knight in Shining Peel

by Taliax



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fairy Tale Curses, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth Has No Rights, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth Identity Reveal, Gen, Inspired by Shrek (Movies), Past Character Death, Peacock Nathalie Sancoeur | Mayura, Shrek AU, Why Did I Write This?, mr banana is a literal banana, rednana august 2020, surprisingly this does actually have a plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26049340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taliax/pseuds/Taliax
Summary: With the help of the baby he found along the way, Mr. Banana sets out to rescue Princess Floria.  If he can return her to Paris, she should be able to end Lord Gabriel's war on magical creatures.  He'll only have to fight off giant lollipop monsters, Mayura's minions, and his own feelings along the way.  For Rednana August 2020
Relationships: August & Mr Banana (Miraculous Ladybug), August's Mother/Mr Banana (Miraculous Ladybug)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 9





	1. Storming the Castle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Boogum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boogum/gifts).



> every time i think "this is the stupidest thing i've ever written," i end up proving myself wrong. when will it end
> 
> anyway i blame kim (boogum) for this. Floria is her name for August's mom btw

“Lollipop!” The baby—Mr. Banana had taken to calling him Greenie, on account of his radioactive green eyes—cried out and tried to clutch at the castle in the distance.

“No, it’s not a lollipop,” Mr. Banana laughed as he adjusted Greenie on his hip. It did look like one, though, with the swirling stripes and colorful shingles on its turrets. “Here you go, little guy. This is even _better_ than a lollipop.”

He stopped walking to bend down and pluck another onion from the ground. Some people thought he lived off of nothing but bananas, and that that was the reason he looked the way he did. It always boggled him. Didn’t they know that would be like cannibalism? But onions—now _those_ were a vegetable he could get behind.

Sometimes he chose to pretend it was his onion breath that kept all the other fairy tale creatures away, and not the fact that he was a giant sentient banana.

“Lollipop?” Greenie tried holding the onion by its tall grassy top, as if it were a stick. When the onion drooped, he spun it around like it was the heroic Ladybug’s magic yo-yo. 

At least the baby was entertained. Mr. Banana had run out of lollipops about ten kilometers ago, so it was the best he could do.

Unfortunately, that meant that he had to carry Greenie instead of Greenie carrying him.

“At least I’ll have some nice biceps to impress the princess with.” He flexed his free arm and grinned. Well, he was already grinning. His face just sort of _did_ that, no matter how he was feeling. His neighbors probably found that more unsettling than the onion breath.

Greenie didn’t mind, though. He just gurgled and swung his onion at Mr. Banana’s peel.

Two hours and one diaper change later, Mr. Banana stood in the castle’s shadow.

“Lollipop,” Greenie said with wide eyes. Mr. Banana held him close, patting his back. The castle might look disarming with all its pastel colors, but Lord Gabriel had told him that a terrible monster guarded the princess inside.

Not for the first time, Mr. Banana wondered if this quest was worth it. Lord Gabriel wanted him to retrieve Princess Floria, who had been imprisoned by the enigmatic witch Mayura over a year ago. Mr. Banana didn’t understand all the details. He just knew that Lord Gabriel said the princess’ brilliant red hair could heal any ailment.

Maybe it could even Mr. Banana into a human.

No point in getting his hopes up about that, though. He still had to actually save the princess first.

“You’d better stay outside, Greenie.” He set the baby down in a patch of grass. “It might be dangerous in there.”

“Nana?” He reached out, opening and closing his tiny fists. His radioactive eyes were wide, like he was about to cry.

Mr. Banana’s grin faltered. “I’ll be right back. I promise.”

Ever since Mr. Banana had saved Greenie from Lord Gabriel’s minions, they’d been attached like apples and bananas. Magical creatures like himself and the baby weren’t safe in Paris. Hopefully, Princess Floria could change that.

Mr. Banana saluted the baby before pushing open the heavy castle door.

“Stay peachy, little guy.”

XXX

The inside of the castle was just as bright as the outside. Weren’t castles supposed to be dark and scary? But this one was decorated with bright purple and blue swirls across the walls and up the pillars. It was prettier than Mr. Banana’s lonely swamp, honestly.

But pretty or not, the castle _was_ lonely. Mr. Banana hadn’t seen a single sign of life. Was the princess actually here? If no one was guarding her, wouldn’t she have just run away?

Maybe there were guards further inside, near the tower. He’d better be careful.

He pushed open another large door. This one was pinky-orange, like a soft ripe peach. His stomach rumbled; he should’ve eaten that onion on the way here.

“Woah,” he breathed when he entered the room. “Greenie would love this.”

Giant lollipops seemed to grow along the walls of the chamber. Were they part of the castle’s magic? Or did Princess Floria spend her days gardening lollipops to pass the time? ...Could you even garden lollipops? He didn’t think so, but then again, most people didn’t think living bananas existed, either.

No time to get distracted, though. He crept through the chamber, leaving footprints in the thin layer of sugar that dusted the floor. If his were the only footprints here, he could at least be pretty sure the room was deserted.

A low rumble sounded from the far end of the room. 

Okay, _not_ deserted then. 

He froze as a cluster of lollipops _peeled from the walls,_ then latched together like the limbs of a saccharine golem. Despite not having a face, it seemed to swivel to look at him.

“Uh-oh.” He gulped.

Time to make like a banana and split.

He dashed down a corridor branching off of the chamber. The thundering footsteps of the lollipop monster crashed behind him. That thing would be too fast to outrun, and his potassium-filled heart was already beating as fast as it could go. Should he dive out a window? No, the castle was at the edge of a cliff; he’d end up mush in the chasm below. But this hallway seemed to stretch on forever, and the monster was gaining on him.

He tripped over the plush carpet. This was it. After everything, he was going to get crushed by a giant lollipop monster.

But if he was gone—who would take care of Greenie?

He rolled to the side, and the monster’s lollipop fist shattered the floor where he’d been lying. That could be him next, if he didn’t get up soon.

He scrambled to his feet, but still nearly slipped into the fresh hole. That dark abyss was _not_ peachy.

“Wait—that’s it!” He grinned. (Well, he was already grinning, but his heart was in it now.)

He dashed further down the hall while the monster was shaking the dust from its spherical fist. Then, he removed a section of his peel. There was no time for blushing modesty; he dropped it on the floor and kept running.

A few moments later, he heard a giant _crash._ Hopefully the monster slipping on the peel. He didn’t look back to check.

He finally reached a spiral staircase at the end of the hall, and sprinted up the steps two at a time.

XXX

“Wow,” Mr. Banana whispered as he reached the top of the tower. He could’ve stared at the gossamer curtains, or the plush carpet, or the broken bits of lollipop hung from the ceiling, catching the afternoon light like stained glass. But each of those things only got a passing glance.

The real beauty was the princess lying sprawled on the couch.

Her limbs were askew; one arm hung off the side, fingers dangling in a piece of peach pie. (Clearly she had good taste.) A soft snore escaped her, sending his heart stuttering. But the most stunning thing about her was her brilliant red hair. It fell around her face in waves. One strand was stuck in her mouth, and seemed to be plastered to her cheek with drool.

He hated to wake her when she was sleeping so soundly, but he had no idea when the lollipop monster would right itself, or if it could fit up through the spiral stairs. Either way, he would surely have to get Princess Floria past it. He hadn’t really thought that far ahead yet.

“Um, Princess?” He stepped forward and tapped her shoulder. 

No response other than a louder snore. This wasn’t some kind of magical sleep, was it? In all the stories, true love’s kiss could wake any unconscious princess, but that wouldn’t help him. He was a _banana._ He couldn’t be anyone’s true love.

“Princess Floria?” He shook her a little harder.

_ “Ah!”  _ She bolted upright, fists swinging.

He yelped and sprung back, but not before taking a punch to the nose.  _“Ow...”_

“Oh my gosh.” Floria’s eyes widened. Her hands covered her mouth. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry, I’m—wait, who are you?”

He flashed his best grin (well, his normal grin) and flexed his arms. “I’m your knight in shining peel, Princess. Here to rescue you from this castle.” 

She took him in from stem to toe. Maybe he should have worried about modesty—it would take a day for that strip of peel to grow back, and he was painfully aware of how naked his side would look. Still, he wouldn’t let his worry show. She didn’t have to like him; she just had to come with him.

And, hopefully, fix his curse.

“You—you’re a banana.”

“ _Mr._ Banana, actually.” That’s what he’d taken to calling himself, anyway. If he had a real name, no one had ever bothered to tell him. Maybe he should’ve picked something a little more… normal-sounding. Well, he could pick a new one if he got to become human. 

He was thinking Louis. That had a nice ring to it.

“Is this some kind of joke?” Princess Floria asked. Whatever remorse she’d had for punching him had vanished. She rubbed the back of her hand across her cheek, scraping off the dried drool. “Why did Mayura send you? Isn’t trapping me here enough?”

“Mayura—? No, I’ve never met her. Lord Gabriel sent me, actually. He said Mayura should be on vacation this week.”

“Oh, _that’s_ so much better.” She crossed her arms, getting peach filling on the sleeve of her green dress. “Mayura may be a witch, but I trust her on one thing. Gabriel’s more of a heartless monster than any creature she’s created.”

Mr. Banana blinked. None of this was going how he imagined.

“So, uh… does that mean you don’t want me to rescue you…?”

She sighed. “Sorry. None of this is your fault. I’ve just—it’s been a long time, and talking to the sentimonsters gets pretty boring after a while. Mayura only comes around when _she_ wants to vent about something, so… yeah. Shall we?”

She held out her hand, as if expecting him to help her to her feet. That hand happened to be the one with peach pie still stuck to it.

He shrugged and tugged her up. “Guess we shall.”

XXX

_ “You didn’t slay the monster?”  _ The princess gaped while crouching behind him.

Mr. Banana stared over the side of the spiral staircase, where the lollipop monster was trying to shove its bulbous fist through the handrail’s supporting bars.

“I’m a banana! I don’t know anything about killing monsters!”

“Then why did Lord Gabriel even _send_ you?”

“I was the only one who would try!” 

He was the only one with nothing to lose. Well, except Greenie, but the baby would’ve been taken by Lord Gabriel if Mr. Banana hadn’t complied.

The sentimonster shook the staircase again. If he didn’t find a way out soon, the structure would crumble right into the monster’s sugary clutches.

“You couldn’t just eat the lollipop thing, could you?” Mr. Banana grinned at the princess.

She gave him a deadpan stare. “Not any more than I could just eat  _you.”_

Sweat beaded on the outside of his peel. “R-right. Just throwing out ideas.”

He couldn’t make the monster slip again; its feet were already planted on the ground. Maybe he could slip through its legs? But he wasn’t confident he could carry Princess Floria at the same time.

The princess gripped the railing with white knuckles. “Maybe we could—”

“Lollipop!” A high-pitched voice interrupted her.

Mr. Banana’s eyes widened. He leaned over the rail, searching the floor below.

“Greenie!” He spotted the baby crawling towards the monster. His dark brown face was powdered with sugar, but those radioactive eyes were unmistakable. (Plus, there probably wasn’t another baby in the castle.) 

“Is that— _August!”_ The princess shouted.

And then, before Mr. Banana could stop her, she leapt over the railing.

_ “Floria!”  _ He reached out, but she was falling, falling, her green dress billowing up around her. The sentimonster swung at her, but she gripped the stick of its arm and flipped from it like an acrobat on a trapeze.

Mr. Banana gaped as she stuck the landing. She… she was  _incredible._

She scooped up Greenie while Mr. Banana was still tripping down the stairs. The sentimonster couldn’t move fast, but it was still too big to outrun, especially if the princess was carrying a baby.

“Lollipop!” Greenie wailed while Princess Floria rushed him away.

“Right, banana-split up! Keep the monster confused. Brilliant,” Mr. Banana said.

Well, it _would_ have been brilliant, if it worked. The monster only seemed interested in Floria.

He dashed after them, trying to keep up with the monster’s lumbering steps.

_ “Lollipop! Lollipop!”  _ Greenie still screamed. Now wasn’t the time for the baby’s sugar addiction— 

Or was it?

“Princess!” Mr. Banana shouted from behind the monster. He could still see her running away through the wide gap in its legs. “Put Greenie down!”

_ “What?” _

“The baby! You’ve got to put him down!”

“Are you out of your _mind_? I’m not losing my son again!”

Her— _what?_

But like it or not, she didn’t have a choice. The sentimonster’s heavy step shook the floor, and she tripped, barely managing to curl around the baby as she fell.

_ “Lollipoooooooooop!”  _ Greenie squirmed from her embrace.

_ This had better work, _ Mr. Banana thought with a grimace. Magical, monstrous lollipops might not trigger Greenie’s transformation like the ones he’d stolen from the town. They might not even be edible.

That didn’t stop Greenie from latching onto the monster’s foot and licking it anyway.

Suddenly, Greenie grew to enormous size. Purple and pink spandex stretched over his dark skin, so thankfully none of them had to deal with the problems of a giant naked baby. Just a normal giant baby.

“A-august?” The princess gasped. “What’s happened to you…?”

“No time to explain.” Mr Banana grabbed her wrist and tugged her along. “He’ll be fine, trust me.”

“Why should I trust you? You’re a talking banana who cursed my son and wants me to leave him with a monster!”

“Lollipop!” Greenie—no, August, apparently—laughed and picked up the sentimonster with both hands.

Then he stuck its head in his mouth.

“Y’know, I think I feel worse for the monster right now,” Mr. Banana said. “I’m sure he’ll find us when he’s done.”

She glanced over her shoulder one last time before nodding.

Then she hiked up her skirts, and they ran.

XXX

Ten minutes later, August crashed through the castle wall, still clutching bits of chewed-up lollipop in his chubby fists.

“Lollipop,” he announced proudly.

“Fantastic job, Gree—er, August.” Mr. Banana beamed.

“Are you going to tell me why my son is the size of a house now?” Princess Floria asked once she’d finally caught her breath. She straightened from where her hands had rested on her knees.

“Nana,” August crouched beside them. His eye was as tall as the Princess, and it took her in with curiosity. “Who?”

“You remember me.” The princess’ voice was pained. “ _Ma-ma._ I’m Mama, August.”

“Ma...ma?” The giant baby frowned, then looked at Mr. Banana. “Na-na.”

“I’m sorry.” He fought to turn his tetanic grin upside-down. “You’ve been in that tower for over a year, haven’t you? Do you think he…”

Princess Floria didn’t meet his eyes. Probably for the best, since he shouldn’t bother finishing that sentence. It would only make her feel worse.

Instead she scooted closer to August, resting her hand against his giant foot.

“He doesn’t remember me.” She bowed her head.

“Pretty,” August said, patting her red hair softly.

She choked out a laugh. “Thanks, sweetie.”

She wiped her eyes before turning back to Mr. Banana. He froze, still feeling like he was intruding on this mother-son moment.

“You brought my son back to me. Even if I don’t know who you are, or how you did it, I suppose I owe you for that.”

His heart pounded. This could be where he asked her to heal him. To turn him human. If she even could. He had no proof that he was like August; once normal, but cursed by Hawkmoth’s evil taint.

“You don’t owe me anything,” he ended up saying instead. “You’re free now. To take August and go… wherever you want, I guess.”

She frowned up at her son, who had taken to picking tiles from the castle roof and tossing them into the river that flowed at the base of the cliff.

“Will he be okay? I mean… will he go back to normal?”

“In about an hour. He only changes if you let him eat lollipops.” Mr. Banana smiled.

“Okay… weird, but convenient. No more sugar for you, huh, baby?”

August ignored her, blowing raspberries as he continued deconstructing the castle like it was made of legos.

“You might want to leave now. While August is still big enough to carry you.” Mr. Banana said, though his heart ached at the thought of returning to isolation. But he couldn’t ask Floria to return with him to Lord Gabriel. He doubted she’d do it, considering her opinion of the man. Besides, she deserved to be free, to finally raise her son.

Maybe he could take her place here. Living alone in a castle would be better than living alone in a swamp, wouldn’t it? At least here he’d have a lifetime supply of candy. 

Mayura might come back and demand to know what happened to Floria, though. 

“Leave? But… alone?” The princess wrapped her arms around herself. “I’ve been alone for so long… and August seems to like you, even if you _are_ a talking banana…”

Mr. Banana chose to ignore that half-insult. It was better than what he usually got when people talked to him.

“Are you saying I—I can come with you?” He asked.

“Well, you _are_ my knight in shining peel, are you not?” She smirked. “Plus, I think August might listen better to you.”

_ Listen  _ was a bit of a stretch, but Mr. Banana still grinned.

“Greenie!” He cooed, and August dropped the brick he was playing with to blink at him. “Up? We go up?”

“Up!” August threw his hands in the air.

Then after a bit more coaxing, he picked up Mr. Banana and Princess Floria, and they were off to…

Well, hopefully somewhere safe.


	2. Sleeping Arrangements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i regret to inform you that this fic will now be 3 chapters. apparently I'm doing the whole plot of shrek more or less after all

They were going back to Paris. The least safe place in France for magical creatures like him and August. But that was where Lord Gabriel was, and Princess Floria intended to use his influence to build a better future for her son.

“Aren’t you a princess?” He asked from August’s right shoulder. “Can’t you just change the laws yourself?”

“The princess title is more of a formality.” Floria sighed. “At one point, the monarchy’s magic was the strongest in France. People respected us. But with magicians like Hawkmoth and Mayura now, my power means nothing—or worse, it scares people like Lord Gabriel, who would rather get rid of magic altogether. He’s practically upended the monarchy. My parents, my husband… I guess I’m lucky little August managed to escape mostly unharmed.”

This was all news to Mr. Banana. Even before magical creatures were thrown out of Paris, he’d always been outcast. Looking like a giant fruit would do that you. Anyway, he’d never been close enough to the city proper to know about politics.

“That’s not very peachy at all,” he mumbled.

She gave him a funny look, but didn’t comment.

They rode in silence for longer than Mr. Banana expected. Not because he expected the princess to talk to him, but because August should have shrunk by now. He hadn’t taken into account the sheer size of the lollipop monster he’d eaten.

It meant they made good time, though. August stayed on task as long as Mr. Banana could find something shiny along the road to point him towards. Pretty rocks, signposts, swords of approaching bandits— 

Swords of approaching bandits.

“Mr. Banana!” Floria pointed, as if he didn’t already see the mob of green-shirted men pouring out of the woods around them.

“What do we have here? Are these the monsters we were told to fear?” A large, round man stepped forward. Was he their leader? He looked… well, not like he’d been wandering in the woods. He wore a blue apron with a thin red necktie, and a scowl below his tiny mustache. He was also the only one not carrying a sword; instead he held… was that an ice cream scoop?

“We’re just passing through,” Princess Floria called down. “No need for anyone to get hurt.”

“Shiny,” August reached for one of the swords.

“No, Greenie—!”

The man holding the sword slashed at August’s palm. The giant baby yelped and stumbled back, nearly knocking Mr. Banana and Floria from his shoulders. Luckily the magic suit that covered August’s hand kept him from actually getting cut.

“Are you crazy?” Floria shouted. “He’s just a baby! Now get out of our way before he stomps you all flat!”

That would be pretty hard with all those swords pointed upwards. If she was bluffing, the bandits didn’t fall for it.

“No can do, I’m afraid,” the stout man said. “I’m under orders that cannot be disobeyed.”

“Orders? From who?”

“I don’t think we have time to find out,” Mr. Banana whispered. “If we can get August to charge, I bet we can outrun them.”

Floria scowled. “No way. He might get hurt.”

“You were the one who said he should stomp them flat!”

The man below cleared his throat. “Mayura said you had run away. And that banana would have to pay.”

“Why is he rhyming?” Mr. Banana wondered.

“They’re trying to capture us for Mayura, and you’re worried about _that?”_

She had a point. But still, Mr. Banana couldn’t help wondering if the man was under a curse. Why else would he be working with a witch?

“The banana man will be perfect for my newest ice cream. That bright fruity flavor will make everyone beam!”

Mr. Banana stared at the ice cream scoop, his peel going cold. “Do you think we should run _now?”_

The bandits—or ice cream enthusiasts?—circled closer. August’s head swung back and forth, and he let out a hiccuping cry.

“It’s going to be okay, baby,” Floria rubbed his shoulder with one hand. Her other was busy clinging to his suit for dear life. “Mama needs you to jump, okay? Can you jump for me?”

August sniffled. Floria’s voice seemed to soothe him, but if he understood her, he didn’t listen.

“Jump, Greenie!” Mr. Banana cooed. “Go up!”

Instead he took another step backward. There were more bandits there, but they dodged August’s giant foot. The only thing protecting them was that some of the men seemed conflicted about hurting a baby, even a giant one.

“Were you listening to me? Get them immediately!”

Mr. Banana frantically searched for something to distract August from the scary men surrounding them. But he was out of the shiny lollipop wrappers he’d stuffed into the pocket of his peel. He had nothing else to throw, and— 

And August was crying.

Fat tears rained down, nearly washing Mr. Banana off of his shoulder. He clung to the baby’s neck—and his fingers brushed against Floria’s, hugging August from the other side.

Her hand wrapped around his. His heart thudded, threatening to burst from his peel. 

...Probably just the adrenaline rush of being attacked and potentially eaten.

Screams sounded below them. Had August actually stomped on the men by accident? No—a current of water was sweeping them away. 

August’s tears had saved them.

“Come on, Greenie!” Floria used his nickname for the baby. “Look over there! Pretty!”

She pointed in the direction of the sun, which had just just begun to set. Red light filtered over the trees and glimmered on the surface of the newly-created stream.

August hiccuped. “Pre—pretty…”

He stumbled towards the light, kicking the remaining men aside.

“No, this is all wrong! Defeat is a flavor that’s much too strong!”

The ice cream man’s voice faded as August crested the next hill.

“Absolutely disgusting,” Floria muttered when they were alone again. He couldn’t see her from around August’s neck—but their hands were still entwined, anchoring them in place so they didn’t fall. 

“Sorry,” Mr. Banana pulled his hand away. It felt a little bit sticky. Some of August’s tears had probably gotten between their palms.

“No, no you.” He could see her now, shaking her head. Her red hair was soaked; it hung heavy over her shoulders. “That man. Talking about _eating_ you, like you’re some kind of…”

“Monster?” Mr. Banana offered quietly. “Thing?”

“No. I don’t know.” She sighed. “Does that—does that happen to you a lot?”

He shrugged. “Not anymore.”

He knew better than to spend time around regular humans now.

“I’m still sorry. I joked about that when we first met, and I shouldn’t have,” she said quietly. “Do you wish… nevermind.”

“What? You can say it. I promise I won’t be offended.” Or if he was, he at least wouldn’t show it. His constant grin made sure of that.

“Do you wish you were normal? I mean, a human, instead of a banana.”

His heart beat faster. That was as close to an invitation as he was going to get.

“All the time. Actually, I wanted to ask you—”

August suddenly shrunk. Mr. Banana knew what to expect, and his peel would protect him from anything more than a few bruises. But he’d forgotten to warn Princess Floria.

She shouted as they fell through the air, and Mr. Banana caught her hand, pulling her to his chest. When they hit the ground, he bounced with a dull _squish._ But he was fine, and more importantly, she was fine too.

“Nana!” August crawled towards them.

He let out a soft chuckle. The Princess scrambled off of him.

“Sorry,” they both said at once, though he didn’t know why. She hadn’t done anything.

“Free ride’s over, I guess.” Mr. Banana stood and brushed off his peel. Sure enough, a few brown spots were already forming. It would take about a day for them to fade. “Do you want to keep going, or camp for the night?”

“Night?” Princess Floria blinked at the setting sun. “Oh no. I thought we’d make it back to Paris by now.”

Why was she in such a rush? Maybe she was worried about Mayura’s goons coming back.

“It’s okay. We’ll protect you,” he said.

“It’s not—nevermind.” She shook her head. “I’m just going to go—that rock over there! Perfect. A princess needs her beauty sleep.”

Mr. Banana could hardly follow her train of thought, but she was already shoving aside a rock that blocked a small cave. It looked safe enough. It was definitely too shallow for anything to hide in.

“Alright. It’s as good a place as any.” Mr. Banana shrugged and tried to join her inside.

“No!” She waved her arms. “I mean—I just want one night alone with my baby.”

“Oh. I understand.” He picked up baby August, patting his back before he handed him to his mother.

She probably just didn’t want to share her sleeping arrangements with a talking banana. Well, he was used to sleeping out under the stars anyway.

“Goodnight, Princess Floria,” he whispered as she rolled the rock back and blocked herself in.

XXX

He woke to the smell of scrambled eggs.

“Oh, you’re awake!” Floria waved from the campfire—campfire? When had she gotten the time to build a fire? And how had she gotten out of the cave without the grinding boulders waking him? “I made breakfast. I hope you like eggs, I um, wasn’t sure what normal banana people eat. I mean, _any_ banana people, not that I’ve met them. Besides you.”

“Eggs are wonderful,” he said, his heart fluttering. No one had ever cooked him breakfast before. “Thank you.”

“It was nothing.” She shrugged, stirring the eggs with a stick. “I should be thanking you. I wasn’t sure what to think when you showed up at the castle, but you’ve been nothing but kind to me and August.”

The baby gurgled at her knee, playing with a few indigo feathers. Floria laughed each time he tickled her with one.

“Come here, Greenie.” Mr. Banana crouched and patted his legs. “Let’s let Mama finish breakfast, okay?”

“Nana!” The baby toddled towards him. “Blue!”

“Yes, and it’s pretty too. Just like you.” He booped the baby’s nose.

For the briefest second, he thought he saw Floria looking at them softly. But when he turned to her, she was back to stirring the eggs.

Probably just wishful thinking.

XXX

Walking and carrying August, rather than August carrying them, gave them a lot more time to talk. The wind didn’t whisk away their words, and Floria was a lot more chatty. Maybe it had just taken a while for her to remember how to talk to people again—it certainly had for Mr. Banana. 

He asked her about herself. She liked to bake desserts from the ingredients Mayura left her and those that grew naturally in the castle. She sometimes played catch or football with the smaller lollipop sentimonsters. (The one that August had eaten always cheated.) She had learned over fifty types of knots in the past year.

And her magic hair couldn’t break curses.

“About the most I could do was make August’s hand feel better,” she said, hiking the little guy up higher on her hip. “Cuts, bruises, sometime reviving people from unconsciousness. But curses are a whole different kind of magic.”

Her eyes were pitying, as if she’d guessed why he’d asked. It couldn’t get more obvious. He was a walking, talking _banana._

And apparently, that was what he would be forever.

“I’m sorry.” Her free hand squeezed his.

He shrugged. His wide grin had never felt so false.

“It’s okay. I don’t even know if I was cursed, or just… born like this.”

She opened her mouth as if to say something, then apparently thought better of it. Her eyes stayed fixed straight ahead.

But her fingers remained laced between his.

XXX

“Sunset already?” Floria dropped the onion, which she’d been tossing back and forth with Mr. Banana and August.

“Time flies when you’re having fun, I guess.” They really should’ve picked up their pace a while ago, but both of their arms had needed a break, even though they’d taken turns carrying the baby. And then playing together like this… it was the closest Mr. Banana had ever felt to being a part of a family.

As soon as he delivered Princess Floria to Lord Gabriel, that would be over.

“We’ll have to camp for the night,” she said, even though Paris’s walls were in sight.

He nodded in firm agreement, which was difficult to do, considering he had no neck. It ended up looking like he was rocking back and forth.

“Yes. Absolutely,” he said in case the gesture was unclear.

“I’ll take August for the night again.” She lifted her son, who waved at Mr. Banana over her shoulder.

“Na-na. Ma-ma.”

“No, no, he can’t come in with us,” she said as she hurried towards the abandoned barn on the side of the road, across from the field where they’d been playing.

“Na-na?” August frowned.

He couldn’t make out anything she murmured to the baby after that. Then the door closed, cutting her off from him anyway. It was as sudden as the darkness the sunset left behind.

_He can’t come in._ Why not? The barn was definitely big enough for more than one woman and a baby. He’d thought, in the subtle touches they shared throughout the day, in the smiles she’d given that felt so sincere…

_Thought what? That she could love a banana?_

He was being ridiculous. But still, he’d thought her polite enough to share the shelter with him tonight. He wasn’t a stranger anymore. And if those stormclouds in the east blew closer…

Well, it wasn’t like she _owned_ the barn. He could at least see if there was another entrance, maybe a way into a loft by one of those high windows.

He wandered around the side of the rotting building and tried to scramble onto a barrel, but his banana-shaped body wasn’t built for climbing. Hmm. 

Those stormclouds were definitely getting closer.

What if he just asked Floria if he could come inside? He’d stay far away from her, give her as much space as he needed. Whatever made her feel comfortable. Maybe she was just nervous about sharing the same sleeping space as someone else, after so long of living in isolation. But he didn’t snore, and he didn’t roll around in his sleep. (Being banana-shaped was good for something.)

He plucked a flower from the dirt. Its petals were a soft yellow-orange, just like her hair. It could be a peace offering, or… maybe more than that. 

But maybe not! He didn’t have to tell her just how much she made his potassium-filled heart sing, or how she made onions taste as sweet as lollipops, or how he wanted to stay with her after she helped Lord Gabriel.

But maybe he would. Maybe.

He cleared his throat and stepped up to the door.

“I can’t stay with him, August,” Floria’s voice filtered through the soft wood. “I mean, who could ever love a banana so hideous and ugly?”

The baby gurgled—in agreement or protest, Mr. Banana didn’t know. And it didn’t matter.

Without ever asking, he’d gotten his answer.

The flower drifted to the ground as the first drops of rain began to fall.


	3. Bananabomination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After fighting with Floria, Mr. Banana learns some important information from an unlikely source. Has he been worried about the wrong magic wielder this whole time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kim who lovingly bullied me into getting this done before the end of August lol

“Are you all right?” Floria asked the next morning.

His peel was slippery with water, even crusted with ice in some places. Last night had been cold for more reasons than one. 

“Just _peachy.”_ His tone was at odds with his grin.

Her lips parted in surprise. “I—I don't—there's something I have to tell you.”

“You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.” She was going to be leaving soon. There was no point in holding his anger back.

“You heard what I said?”

“Every word,” he said quietly. He couldn’t keep the pain from his voice, couldn’t bury it under biting anger or even his permanent smile.

She looked at the ground. At the flower petals that must have been shredded by last night’s storm. 

“I thought you'd understand.”

“Oh, I understand. Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly _banana_?”

Her eyes widened. “But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.”

Was she joking? After everything they’d been through together—she thought she could just throw him away like that? Like—like a rotten peel, a husk that had outlived its usefulness? 

“Yeah?” He snapped. “Well, it  _does.”_

She was just like every other human. And he was done pretending she could care.

XXX

Princess Fiona rode off on Lord Gabriel’s tall white horse. The clopping of hooves grew fainter and fainter, but Mr. Banana could still hear August’s wails as if he were right there. Neither Floria’s gentle words nor Lord Gabriel’s harsh command for silence had been able to quiet the child.

Mr. Banana was never going to see him again. That almost hurt worse than giving up Floria. 

At least August had actually liked him, banana or not.

As he trudged across the muddy plains, he swore he heard John Cale’s _Hallelujah_ drifting on the wind. Or maybe he was just being melodramatic.

“Well,” he mumbled when he crossed from the empty fields into the tall cyprus trees of the swamp. “Home sweet home.”

It looked exactly as he’d left it. Well, minus the hole in the wall and roof where Greenie had first transformed. Lord Gabriel must have kept his word about fixing it. Hopefully, he’d also keep his word about protecting the baby and Floria.

No. He wasn’t going to think about her, or cry over how she’d turned out to be just like everyone else. He had better things to do. Like…

Okay, so he didn’t have anything better to do. But he still wasn’t going to cry over her.

He sat down against a weathered tree and dipped his feet into the murky stream. The water was as cold as the hole Floria had left in his heart.

He grimaced. Melodramatic _and_ about to cry. He was pathetic.

“You look pathetic,” a voice told him.

He screamed and jumped to his feet. Unfortunately, those feet were in the creek, which meant he splashed into the water and sprayed muck everywhere.

Including on the face of a… bird woman?

“Fantastic. Exactly how I wished to spend my afternoon.” She wiped the green gunk from off of her blue-tinted cheek. Was she being sarcastic? Her voice remained too monotone to tell.

“Sorry about that. I don’t usually get visitors… can I help you?” He asked.

“I hope so.” She stepped forward, so she was at the edge of the bank. She looked towards the water around his legs with distaste. “Though you aren’t the hero I was expecting.”

“I’m a banana,” he said, bristling. Not that she would be able to tell under his grin. “I’m not a hero. I don’t save the day, and I don’t get the girl.”

A strange tingle ran through him, like he’d quoted a line from the wrong Dreamworks movie. He ignored it.

“Anyway, I’m done running errands for anyone. I brought Floria to Lord Gabriel. I didn’t promise anything else.” He crossed his arms and turned his back to her.

“Then you are no hero. You have no idea what you’ve done.”

He almost glanced over his shoulder, but thought better of it. Whoever this woman was, she’d done nothing but insult him. He shouldn’t have to take that in his own swamp.

“No, I don’t. Now, you’re interrupting my me time. Make like a banana and split, okay?”

He didn’t have to look back to feel her rolling her eyes.

“Do you have any idea who I am?”

“Should I?”

She finally broke her deadpan tone with a sigh. “I am Mayura. The one who held Princess Floria before you so crudely _rescued_ her.”

_ “What?”  _ He spun to face the bird woman. No one had ever described the witch to him; how could he have known? “Why are you here? I’m not going to tell you where she is.”

“You already did. But that is no matter. Lord Gabriel, as you call him, has prevented me from entering his castle.”

“But… you’re a witch. You can make giant lollipops come to life. What do you mean you can’t get into a castle?”

Mayura’s purple eye twitched. “I don’t have time to explain everything, Banana. I’ve already lost enough, thanks to your meddling. But you must return to her.”

“Why would I do that?” He burst. “She said it herself! I’m—I’m _hideous and ugly!_ So she’ll never want to see me again, and—and I still wouldn’t turn her over to _you_ , if that’s what you’re hoping. I don’t care if she broke my heart. She doesn’t deserve that.” 

Maybe he was still soft inside. Overripe. He told himself he only defended her for August’s sake.

“Interesting.” Mayura smiled. “Such conflicted emotions. Layers like this would make an excellent sentimonster.”

He froze as surely as if he’d been turned to ice cream. She’d do it. If she could make monsters out of emotion… then why was she even bothering to talk to him? She could probably make another lollipop golem to squash him flat.

“Why did you kidnap Floria in the first place?” He found himself asking.

“Finally, a question of import. Her magical hair helps to somewhat stabilize my… condition.”

As she spoke, he watched a feather drift from her wing and land on top of an algae patch. Blue, just like the feather August had played with before.

“You were there,” he realized. “Even when we fled the castle, you could’ve caught us yourself.”

So why did she send those ice cream bandits after them? Had it just been a test? Or maybe she changed her mind after they failed?

“Of course. But there was no point. She would have been happy with you, and I could not hold her captive forever. I am not like Gabriel, to cling to something until it rots away.” She closed her eyes and shook her head. The monotone had cracked again, allowing anger into her voice. “This is pointless. If you do not rescue the princess soon, Gabriel will wring her dry attempting that which cannot be done.”

Floria _had_ been wary of Lord Gabriel… but she’d chosen to approach him anyway. Who was he to barge in and overturn that decision? And with no justification beyond Mayura’s word?

“Are you understanding any of this?” She huffed. “Those ridiculous eyes. Just as empty as hers. Never could tell if she’d fallen asleep while I was talking…”

“But Floria’s eyes are green.” He would know. He’d stared at them discreetly while they were walking all day yesterday.

Mayura blinked at him. “You must be joking.”

“And you must be annoying. I get what Flora said about having to listen to you rant.”

“She said—? Nevermind.” She shook her head. “How could you spend three days with the princess and not know of her curse?”

“Curse? What curse?”

By this point, Mayura looked like she wanted to scream. “The curse that turns her into a banana at night, you idiot!”

The curse.

The curse that.

_ What? _

“You really don’t know.” She pinched the bridge of her nose with the hand attached to her wing.

“That doesn’t make any sense! Then why would she say I was hideous and—ohhhhh.”

Unless she wasn’t talking about him. Because she’d never been anything but kind to him.

“She was safe in my castle. No one would know of her curse, and her healing could relieve the pain of my broken magic. But then _you_ came along.”

“She wasn’t happy with you, though. You kept her a prisoner. She lost her own son!”

“At Gabriel’s hand!” Mayura snarled, her feathers flaring. “Who do you think destroyed and scattered the royal family?”

“But… but…”

“He meant to capture her then. I got to her first. I didn’t know about the baby. Perhaps if I had, she wouldn’t have left.” She wrapped her wings around herself, looking… pained?

Lonely. Mayura was just as lonely as Floria had been. Neither of them had been enough for each other.

“I can’t make her go back with you,” he said quietly.

She nodded. “That is unimportant. I only wish for her to be safe. Away from Gabriel.”

Mr. Banana didn’t know what was so bad about Lord Gabriel—other than his perpetual scowl, and hair that looked like a dollop of sour cream—but Mayura’s emotion didn’t seem feigned.

“Alright. I’ll do it.”

He owed Floria an apology anyway.

XXX

Mr. Banana’s sentimonster took the form of a dragon, which was a lot cooler than he expected. What was _less_ cool was the fact that the spines on its back were all made of tiny bananas. And it was bright yellow. How was he supposed to sneak into Lord Gabriel’s castle on the back of a _giant yellow dragon?_

Considering the sentimonster couldn’t penetrate the castle, maybe that wasn’t such a big deal. The dragon (which he’d nicknamed Foster) beat its wings and hovered outside of the giant rose window. Mr. Banana peered through the stained glass, hoping to catch a glimpse of Floria. For all he knew, she could be trapped in one of the interior rooms.

Suddenly Foster rocketed up, nearly tossing Mr. Banana from his back. What the—?

The castle guards. Right. It would have been nice to at least sneak past their powerful crossbows. Foster was nimble for such a big creature, though; he swerved and dodged most of the bolts—some of which crashed into the window behind them.

Glass shattered. They _really_ couldn’t sneak in now.

“What is the meaning of this?” Lord Gabriel’s voice boomed from inside. And then—

“Mr. Banana?”

“Floria!” He caught a glimpse of her red hair as Foster flew past.

“Seize that banana!” Gabriel shouted.

Yeah, that was about what he’d expected.

“Can you get me inside?” He whispered to Foster. 

The dragon let out a feral roar, then bucked Mr. Banana through the broken window.

The broken panes weren’t quite big enough. More fragments shattered around him, sticking in his peel. He curled up as tight as he could and bounced a few paces before coming to rest at…

Lord Gabriel’s polished white shoes.

“Uh-oh.”

“What are you doing here?” Floria asked in surprise. Mr. Banana couldn’t see her; his vision still swam from all of the rolling. Her voice at least distracted Gabriel from kicking him, or anything equally humiliating. 

Finally his vision focused, and he stared up at Lord Gabriel’s sneer.

“Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but interrupting the moment of my triumph—” 

“Floria! You have to get out of here,” Mr. Banana gasped. “Gabriel—he’s going to—”

“Demand I use my magic to revive his comatose wife?”

Mr. Banana blinked. “Mayura didn’t explain that much.”

_ “Mayura,”  _ Gabriel spat. “I should have known from that hideous dragon that she was behind this. Are you simply a pawn to be traded between greater beings?”

He was still staring down at Mr. Banana, his hands clasped behind his back. Floria hadn’t approached him. Where was she? Mr. Banana had heard her voice. Was she still so upset about their fight that she wouldn’t come to him?

“Floria, I’m so sorry,” he murmured. “But please, don’t help him. I don’t want you to… I don’t want you to disappear.”

According to Mayura, that was what could happen if she overextended her magic. 

“I’m afraid she doesn’t have a choice.” Gabriel pulled aside the striped tie at his neck. “Nooroo, dark wings rise!”

“What…?” Mr. Banana gaped as dark lightning engulfed Lord Gabriel. In his place was…

“Ugh, you’ve _got_ to be kidding me,” Floria groaned. “Why did I have to get stuck between _two_ sorcerors?”

Hawkmoth. This had to be Hawkmoth.

Purple robes spilled down to the marble floor. A cane appeared in his gloved hands.

“Oh, for crying out loud.” There was a _snapping_ sound, and then Floria was at Mr. Banana’s side, helping him to his feet. He saw rope dangling from her wrists. So _that_ was why she hadn’t come to him. “I told you this guy was bad news.”

“You didn’t complain when you ran off with him this morning,” he muttered.

She rolled her eyes. “You practically said you hated me! What was I supposed to do?”

He smacked his forehead. He’d still forgotten to explain that mistake.

“I’m an idiot.”

She glared. “Yes, but I think we have a bigger problem right now. Gabriel has August.”

“Incorrect,” Hawkmoth’s deep voice boomed. “I also have  _you.”_

Mr. Banana might have been an idiot before, but he was an even bigger one for ignoring the sorcerer. Hawkmoth bared the cane, which glowed with violet light.

“Look out!” Mr. Banana shouted. The cane flashed—

And he shoved Floria out of the way, taking the magical blast in the chest.

XXX

_ Pain. Anger. Hurt. Loss. _

He gasped. What was… what _was_ this? 

“Mr. Banana!” Floria cried out, but he couldn’t move. Couldn’t see, either. A purple haze obscured his vision.

“He cannot hear you,” Hawkmoth said. “Bananabomination is under my power now. I would have preferred to make you my pawn, but perhaps this will serve a fair warning.”

_ I can hear you,  _ Mr. Banana wanted to say. He wanted to go to her, assure her that he was okay, that he could protect her. That he’d never be stupid enough to leave her again.

But the rush of emotion swept over him.

_ Anger. Fear. Pain, loneliness, hurt, no no make it  _ stop—

“Give your pain to me, Bananabomination. You have been alone for so long, haven’t you? Rejected and abandoned by those who thought you hideous.”

_ Abandoned… rejected…  _ he had been, hadn’t he? By Floria…

“No, Mr. Banana! That’s not what you are!”

He clutched his head—or, well, the area of his banana-shaped body where his head would be. Everything was just too _much._ All these emotions… all this _hurt…_

“You do not have to feel it anymore. Just give it to me, and you will be made whole.”

“You mean you’ll make him into one of your monsters! Just like you did to August!”

Monster? No, he was _already_ a monster. Wasn’t he?

Dark tar bubbled around his feet, cool and soothing. It would be so easy to let it crawl up him, let it smother the emotions boiling in his chest.

“Yes, Bananabomination! Rise as my glorious akuma!”

_ “No!” _

Soft arms wrapped around him, pushing back the darkness.  _Warm._

Something blossomed in him, bright and fluttery. Something that didn’t hurt. He… he didn’t want to give _this_ feeling over to Hawkmoth, did he?

His existence wasn’t just pain. It wasn’t just loneliness.

Not when Floria was with him.

“No!” Hawkmoth shouted as the darkness finally receded, leaving Mr. Banana’s vision clear. “This can’t be! You said your magic couldn’t cure curses!”

“My magic didn’t,” Floria said, releasing Mr. Banana from her embrace. Her hand, however, still gripped his tightly. “My love is a different story.”

Mr. Banana’s mouth went dry. “Your… love?”

She smiled softly at him. “If you would still have it. I know we fought before, but you came back, so… you couldn’t have meant what you said, could you?”

“Of course not! I was an idiot. Mayura told me about your curse, but before that I thought _you_ hated _me.”_

“You’re both idiots,” Hawkmoth growled. “Your ‘love’ won’t stop me from akumatizing _both_ of you.”

“But _we_ will!” A new voice sounded, startling Mr. Banana into looking up. 

A red-and-black figure swung in through the broken window. 

“Ladybug!” Floria gasped. _That_ was Ladybug? She looked like just a teenager, if one in a cool costume.

“And Chat Noir,” a figure in black leather added, vaulting off a metal rod beside his partner. “Let the professionals handle it from here, banana man.”

The heroes didn’t have to tell him twice.

“Come on.” He squeezed Floria’s hands. “Let’s go rescue August.”

XXX

The red sunset reflected off of Foster’s yellow scales, turning the banana dragon to more of an orange one.

“Na-na,” August laughed, trying to pluck one of the banana-spines from Foster’s back. Floria gently pulled his hands away and wrapped him more securely against her chest.

“No, baby, leave the nice dragon alone.”

Mr. Banana’s heart soared as high as the dragon. Above the clouds, practically into the stars that began to peek out against the dusk.

“Mr. Banana?” Floria asked. She sat on Foster’s back in front of him, where he could make sure she didn’t fall.

“Yeah?”

“You know… it’s almost nightfall…”

Oh no. Would she still refuse to take shelter with him? Ladybug and Chat Noir had defeated Hawkmoth, freeing magical creatures from the tyranny of Lord Gabriel. But it hadn’t freed her from her own curse: the fact that she changed into a banana every night.

_ She loves me,  _ he reminded himself.  _She forgave me. Even after I said those terrible things._

“I was just thinking… do you want to see me? The way I become, I mean.”

Her voice was so faint it had almost been lost on the wind. She couldn’t turn to face him, not when they were hundreds of feet in the air. 

So he just wrapped his arms around both her and August, hugging them tight.

“I would love to.”

She chuckled nervously as the last sliver of sun disappeared below the horizon.

“Good, because I don’t think you have much of a choice.”

Yellow sparkles fell around her, like the stars were coming down to join their hug. When they finally dissipated, he was left holding a giant, red-haired banana. Her green dress had magically adapted to her new form. Maybe he should take a leaf from her book and wear clothes, too.

His smile felt sincere as he brushed the hair from her temple and kissed her peel there. “You make a lovely banana, Princess.” 

He only wished he could see her face. Was she happy to finally show this part of herself? Disappointed that her curse still persisted after Hawkmooth’s defeat? Disgusted that he would presume to kiss her?

She laughed. “I’m no princess anymore. If I stay with you, I’ll take true love’s form. And since you’re a banana... I’ll look like this forever.”

“Forever?” He whispered. “Are you sure that’s what you want? I mean—I always wanted to be human. I know how hard it is to be a living banana.”

“Mr. Banana.” She shifted slightly—it had to be difficult, since she was now crescent-shaped—until she was sitting backwards on Foster, August squeezed securely between her and Mr. Banana. August seemed thrilled that his mom was now “Nana,” just like him. 

“If I didn’t want this, I never would have flown off with you,” she said. “I would have stayed to claim Lord Gabriel’s castle rather than allowing Chat Noir to take power.”

Chat Noir, as it had turned out, was the Lord’s famous heir, Adrien Agreste. That hadn’t stopped him from stealing Hawkmoth’s magic jewel and delivering him up to Captain Raincomprix.

“If you’re not a princess, then I don’t want to be Mr. Banana anymore,” he said. “I mean, if we’re changing names—I want to be Louis.”

“Louis?” She may be a banana, but her brow could still crease with confusion. She was always so expressive; it was one thing he loved about her.

He blushed. “I always thought it had a nice ring to it.”

“Of course, Louis.” She smiled, then bit her lip. “I wonder…”

“What?” His heart pounded. He couldn’t look away from her beautiful black eyes.

“I wonder if I can kiss you. Now that we’re both bananas, I don’t exactly how it will work—”

Louis leaned in over August’s head, and found that it worked just fine.


End file.
